As a new year and decade approaches, 31st December always feels a little melancholy: reflecting on the year just gone, achievements, things that could be improved and hopes for the upcoming year.
2019 has been a year of 2 halves: amazing opportunities, exciting and fun experiences and developments in big life goals. On the flip side there has also been huge disappointments, admissions of things that have been buried for a long time and having to accept uncomfortable truths. In short, 2019 has perhaps been the best-worst year ever.
The Good
- I went to 4 concerts: I saw Olly Murs with my best friend on her birthday and Jack Savoretti with my Mum and her partner.
But I also saw 2 of my favourite musical acts in the same week; 1 of which has been on my bucket list for a long time!
First of all, I saw Fleetwood Mac at Wembley. I have always been a fan but didn't realise how much until I saw them live. They were absolutely fabulous and as it's probably their last tour I am so grateful I got to see them live. I would go again without a shadow of a doubt. Highlights of the show included: The Chain, Dreams, Don't Stop, Everywhere, them performing a cover of Free Fallin' and Mick Fleetwood's crazy 10 minute drum solo.
3 days later, I found myself back at Wembley, this time for Bon Jovi- seeing them in concert is something I've wanted to tick off for a long time, particularly singing along to Livin' on a Prayer live. The atmosphere was amazing and singing (in my head it was in tune!) along to their hits left me with a sore throat to treasure for days! They introduced Livin' on a Prayer as their national anthem and I proudly stood to my feet and sang with all my heart.
Travel
- I travelled to 2 new places. I went on our annual girly holiday with my mum and godmum. This year we went to Mykonos in Greece. I love Greece but didn't really vibe with Mykonos however that doesn't mean we didn't have a nice time. We tried something completely new; a sailing day. We were aboard a private sailing boat with 5 other people, including a family staying at the same hotel as us who we'd been chatting to throughout the week so we go to know them even more. We sipped drinks as the boat sailed through the blue water, visited an amazing historical archaeological site, swam, snorkelled and jumped off the boat into the crystal clear water and then gorged on a feast of seafood spaghetti, greek salad and delicious fruit. I loved it so much I've booked a whole week of sailing around the Greek islands for next year.
I also travelled to Venice with one of my best friends. We were only there for 25 hours but we crammed loads of stuff in. Venice has been on my travel list for years and I finally got to go!! It was amazing.
- Career
I expanded my tutoring business this year and still really enjoy it. I also started freelance writing work. I have always loved writing but never thought I could do it as a job. It fits in well with my daily schedule and is something I'd like to continue with next year.
Also I started childminding my friend's little boy one day a week, although I can hardly call that work. I adore spending time with him and right now, think he's the only man I need.
- Other stuff
My mum and I started going to a quiz night every Sunday. Initially we didn't have high expectations for ourselves; hence our team name was 'Ever Hopeful'! However we have pleasantly surprised ourselves... we are pretty rubbish on sport, geography and Marvel related questions, but super hot on music, film and general knowledge that I thought would never come in use. One week we even won! However we fell down on the jackpot question for £750 as we didn't know the first English footballer to be sent off in an England international... we embarrassingly put George Best... he's not even English. Through going, we've even made some new friends. One day when the rivalry dies down we may form a super-team...
I redecorated my room and bought some new furniture. It's my favourite room to hang in and perhaps I spend a bit too much time in bed now because I love my room so much.
I've spent time with my closest friends and forged stronger relations with them.
My mum was able to retire; something I was pleased she was able to do as she deserves some time off!
I got to see my favourite musical in the west end on my birthday.
I found a new sport I like; dragon boat racing. I took part in a charity event with my mum's workplace and we came second overall, losing out on first by half a second.
My best friend got to meet her favourite actress.
The not so good
- I lost one of my closest friends when she moved to Scotland. I have only known her for 4 years but she is someone I trust and has listened to me say things I've never been able to tell anyone before. I'm happy she's making a new life for her and her husband but I was gutted when she moved away. We still video call lots but I miss her loads.
- I tried to buy a flat... and failed. Buying a home has been one of my biggest dreams ever. I found the perfect apartment, had an offer accepted but then fell down on a mortgage. It's hard to get a mortgage anyway but seems impossible when you're on your own. Watching the trend on youtube of empty house tours and people saying 'we bought our dream house' is hard when I was only looking at a tiny little flat. The worst bit was feeling downhearted that I'd been saving for 10 years and had 'sacrificed' other opportunities to save and it still wasn't enough. Also knowing of couples house hunting together for their dream home whilst I'm just looking at spinster pads was a little envy inducing. I'm looking for alternatives for buying a home and I do feel lucky to even contemplate the idea.
- Being put on medication. I don't want to throw out the words depression or mental health as I know there are people who have it a lot worse than me. However I cannot deny I have been extremely sad the past few years, have resulted in hurting myself and feeling 'what's the point?' Nothing seemed to be happening for me, whilst everyone around me seemed to be moving forward. I felt lonely, unlovable and was shutting myself off more and more. I broke down on one of my friends and my mum dragged me to the doctors. I was reluctant to start the medication but I feel like it is working and am hoping to reduce it next year...
- I have distanced myself from 3 people I have known nearly all my life. I should have realised a long time ago that they perhaps weren't the healthiest of relationships. I always had to message them to organise something and constantly questioned if I was important to them. I have felt guilt, blame, anger and denial and gone round in circles wondering if I've made the right decision. Each time I questioned whether it was right I have gone back and forth from 'Am I over-reacting?' or 'Is it my fault?' but I tried for years and they never gave back what I put in and it was draining. I have friends who make me feel good and I don't have to question where I stand with them. I realised I didn't know anything about these people who were supposed to be a big part of my life and the only way I found out about things was from stuff they posted on facebook. They never asked about me and I don't like sharing stuff on facebook. Therefore how is it a friendship if we're not involved in each other's lives? Whether they are close friends or family, it still hurts to lose a person who has played a significant part in your life.
- Accepting my relationship status. I hate the word 'single'... it feels as though I have a disease or something. I have close friends yet that doesn't seem to count because I'm not having sex with them. I would love to be with 'someone special' however I am not confident, and I hate dating. I have spent years hoping that the right person would just appear and wasted so much time. I am not the girl that boys want and have to work through some matters that have been around for a long time. I am not looking for pity; just being realistic. Therefore I have decided not to date over the next year- not that I was doing that anyway. I am 'fine' by myself, even though I have the occasional wobble.
2019 went past in a blur of excitement and emotions, but I am more optimistic about the New Year than I have been in a long time. At the end of next year, or even the end of the next decade, I hope the foundations that have been laid down this year has proven fruitful.
Happy New Year for 2020!
xx
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