I love children; I work with them, I childmind my friend's son, I babysit for friends and go round to see my friend's children as much as to see my friend... Yet I'm not sure if I want my own.
I am 28 years old... a perfectly 'normal' age to be a mum, but I can't imagine my life with a child of my own. Maybe that will change in a few years, if I am settled with a partner, or when I hit 30 and my 'biological clock' starts screaming at me. As a teenager, I used to play with my younger cousins, dreamed of being a teacher since my own school days and still work with children. I look after my friend's son every Friday while she's at work and I love it. We go to soft play, the park or just watch films inside. I adore his big sister too and often refer to them as my surrogate children. It's like the old joke about grandparents- they love being with their grandchildren, but also love handing them back... While I would happily have my friend's children round overnight or for a week or even a month, I can get that optimism of 'light at the end of the tunnel' e.g when they go home. I have watched my friend suffer sleepless nights for 4 years, have to juggle work commitments with their children and sacrifice nights out with her husband and friends. While she wouldn't be without them, she often comments how hard it is, even with both sets of grandparents and friends helping out; something she acknowledges how lucky she is to have.
I've never been one of those people who say 'I was put on this Earth to be a mum.' I don't doubt or discredit their ideals but seeing as I don't have that thought, maybe it's not for me? There is so much pressure on women to do the 'marriage and babies' thing. I would love a partner to 'share my life with' (I hate that saying) and if babies is something that would work for us then I would consider it, but a lot of thought would have to go into it.
I love travelling and hated the restrictions of having to go in term time when I worked in a school. If I had a child any travel would have to fit around their school terms- the first few years would be ok, but how much more organising would it need to make sure we brought everything?!? I love my job, but I'm self-employed so would lose a big chunk of income if I was to take maternity leave. My Mum would have to provide childcare from 3.00 until 7.30 and pretty much all day Saturday which is a big ask, and that's without taking into account a partner's work schedule.
I've spent a long time thinking what kind of mum I would be. I would be great at cuddles, helping with homework and cooking for them. But I also think would I push them too hard at school, smother them too much and constantly fret about them? I'm worried that I would pander to them; if they wouldn't go to bed, I'd probably let them into mine, if they threw a paddy I would try not to cave in but eventually would. If they said they didn't feel well I'd have trouble distinguishing between real illness and pretend.
It's not just personal things that have me considering not having children. There is a lot of unrest in the world; climate change, overpopulation, reducing resources, cost of living, the political climate... I don't want my children having to pay the cost from previous generations. I've worked in many education settings including both primary and secondary schools and have witnessed the pressure children face, particularly during secondary school. As well as academic expectations, there is also the social side of school. I was incredibly quiet and reserved at school and so was an easy target to be 'picked on'. While my child might be a bit more outgoing, I don't want them to have to experience feeling they have to conform to behaviours they don't want to or have school affect their health and well-being. The playground mums are a minefield and sometimes as bad as the children for showing off and vying for top dog.
Of course, there are moments I would love to experience; being pregnant, having made a tiny human hopefully with someone I love, holding them for the first time, seeing them smile, reading to them, telling them I love them. But there are other alternatives; I can read with my friend's children and I love them as much as I would love my own children, I could get a dog, try new things that give a sense of achievement, take part in a project with a partner so we can 'do something together'. I have a few people in my life who do not have children; either through choice, being unable to or they were never in the right situation. They have filled their lives with other opportunities, so while they may have wanted a child, there are other fulfilling 'purposes'. Adoption or fostering could be an option and I like the idea of being a surrogate for a couple.
I feel selfish to consider not having children and women still get backlash for choosing not to. It should be the woman's choice on her body and her decision to have children. I consider myself lucky that I still have the choice to have children; some women aren't able to, and this adds to my feelings of selfishness that they want something so desperately but I'm nonchalant. Often it feels like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so right now, the best scenario for me is not to have my own children... but let's see what the future holds.
I am 28 years old... a perfectly 'normal' age to be a mum, but I can't imagine my life with a child of my own. Maybe that will change in a few years, if I am settled with a partner, or when I hit 30 and my 'biological clock' starts screaming at me. As a teenager, I used to play with my younger cousins, dreamed of being a teacher since my own school days and still work with children. I look after my friend's son every Friday while she's at work and I love it. We go to soft play, the park or just watch films inside. I adore his big sister too and often refer to them as my surrogate children. It's like the old joke about grandparents- they love being with their grandchildren, but also love handing them back... While I would happily have my friend's children round overnight or for a week or even a month, I can get that optimism of 'light at the end of the tunnel' e.g when they go home. I have watched my friend suffer sleepless nights for 4 years, have to juggle work commitments with their children and sacrifice nights out with her husband and friends. While she wouldn't be without them, she often comments how hard it is, even with both sets of grandparents and friends helping out; something she acknowledges how lucky she is to have.
I've never been one of those people who say 'I was put on this Earth to be a mum.' I don't doubt or discredit their ideals but seeing as I don't have that thought, maybe it's not for me? There is so much pressure on women to do the 'marriage and babies' thing. I would love a partner to 'share my life with' (I hate that saying) and if babies is something that would work for us then I would consider it, but a lot of thought would have to go into it.
I love travelling and hated the restrictions of having to go in term time when I worked in a school. If I had a child any travel would have to fit around their school terms- the first few years would be ok, but how much more organising would it need to make sure we brought everything?!? I love my job, but I'm self-employed so would lose a big chunk of income if I was to take maternity leave. My Mum would have to provide childcare from 3.00 until 7.30 and pretty much all day Saturday which is a big ask, and that's without taking into account a partner's work schedule.
I've spent a long time thinking what kind of mum I would be. I would be great at cuddles, helping with homework and cooking for them. But I also think would I push them too hard at school, smother them too much and constantly fret about them? I'm worried that I would pander to them; if they wouldn't go to bed, I'd probably let them into mine, if they threw a paddy I would try not to cave in but eventually would. If they said they didn't feel well I'd have trouble distinguishing between real illness and pretend.
It's not just personal things that have me considering not having children. There is a lot of unrest in the world; climate change, overpopulation, reducing resources, cost of living, the political climate... I don't want my children having to pay the cost from previous generations. I've worked in many education settings including both primary and secondary schools and have witnessed the pressure children face, particularly during secondary school. As well as academic expectations, there is also the social side of school. I was incredibly quiet and reserved at school and so was an easy target to be 'picked on'. While my child might be a bit more outgoing, I don't want them to have to experience feeling they have to conform to behaviours they don't want to or have school affect their health and well-being. The playground mums are a minefield and sometimes as bad as the children for showing off and vying for top dog.
Of course, there are moments I would love to experience; being pregnant, having made a tiny human hopefully with someone I love, holding them for the first time, seeing them smile, reading to them, telling them I love them. But there are other alternatives; I can read with my friend's children and I love them as much as I would love my own children, I could get a dog, try new things that give a sense of achievement, take part in a project with a partner so we can 'do something together'. I have a few people in my life who do not have children; either through choice, being unable to or they were never in the right situation. They have filled their lives with other opportunities, so while they may have wanted a child, there are other fulfilling 'purposes'. Adoption or fostering could be an option and I like the idea of being a surrogate for a couple.
I feel selfish to consider not having children and women still get backlash for choosing not to. It should be the woman's choice on her body and her decision to have children. I consider myself lucky that I still have the choice to have children; some women aren't able to, and this adds to my feelings of selfishness that they want something so desperately but I'm nonchalant. Often it feels like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't so right now, the best scenario for me is not to have my own children... but let's see what the future holds.
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