Over the past 6 months, I have heard of or know of so many people who are having a baby. At the risk of sounding judgemental or better than thou, I can't understand why someone would want to have a baby at the current time. But actually I'm just confused with a mixture of emotions: envy that these people have someone to make a baby with, uncomprehendible that someone would want to bring a child into a world that appears to be experiencing crisis after crisis, and shame that I'm leaning away from society expectations that women should want to have children.
As I write this, I'm watching a film where a character (albeit a male one) is asked if he has children and his response was to sorrowfully admit that he didn't. There was no backstory to his answer and I can understand the pain of not being able to have something you desperately want but why is not having children always met with pity?
Reading up on the subject to try to make sense of my confusion there are many reasons people may choose to have children and they are perfectly legitimate:
KIDS ADD MEANING TO LIFE; so does travelling, volunteering, learning.
KIDS GIVE RESPONSIBILITY, DISCIPLINE AND DIRECTION; holding down 3 jobs, looking after a pet, childminding my friend's child, my own friends, keeping healthy and travelling feels more than enough responsibility, discipline and direction.
HELPS DEVELOP CHARACTER AND SHAPE PERSONALITY ; does that mean I've had no character or personality for the past 29 years?
FOR LOVE, BONDS AND COMPANIONSHIP; there may be nothing like the love between parent and child, however I am not devoid of those 3 things.
YOU GET A SECOND CHANCE AT CHILDHOOD; and therefore the chance for unresolved issues to surface. Also why does the notion of play have to stop in adulthood?
TO HAVE SOMEONE TO LOOK AFTER YOU IN OLD AGE; but what if your children aren't around? I know of parents where their children live between 300 miles away to the other side of the world.
5 (or even 3) years ago I would have been adding reasons to that list: giving love to someone without expecting anything in return, loving the company of children, loving teaching and watching children grow and to have a family.
However, a family isn't just a mum, dad and children. One of my friends refers to me as part of their family, I have a 'surrogate mum' who has been in my life since I was born, have my own 'surrogate children' who have opened my eyes to parenthood-the good and the tough, and have a dysfunctional relationship with my father as does my mum with hers. I don't have anyone to have a traditional family with but I would be willing to give that feeling to a child who had given up hope of having a chance of that.
With my puppy I have learned I do not function well with broken sleep, relish the times I have even just 5 minutes to myself and have lost the simple freedom of just popping to the shops or to the gym. I'm not substituting a puppy for a child, however my eyes have been opened to my selfishness and need for time alone.
My overriding emotion is still confusion: I don't want children but I don't not want children for fear of regret, of changing my mind when it's too late and for not being 'normal'. I don't know if I'll ever understand that pang when someone announces a pregnancy: is it deep unconscious jealousy, sadness that I won't get to experience that, or a slight smugness that I still have the freedom to do what I want without even considering they're entitled to their own opinions and desires.
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